Now it's time to get weird:

1. Why must all things end? Why must they begin?

Not all things end. Pat Robertson can't seem to keep his mouth shut.

2. Why do we have two little nostrils instad of just one big nostril? How would things be different if we just had one?

We have two nostrils so that, should your younger sibling shove something up one nostril, you can still breathe with the other one.

3. If you came across a remote tribe that has never eaten cheese, how would you explain to them what cheese tastes like?

They'd probably kill me before I got a chance to talk to them. Maybe they're cannibals and will eat me. I wonder what *I* taste like?

4. How can you tell when toothpaste is past its expiration date?

If it doesn't stick to the toothbrush anymore, it's past the expiration date.

5. What is the importance of picture frames? What does having the frame really get you?

Picture frames are important because they allow you to show other people that the picture inside is important.

Like last week, I'm a day late with the Wednesday Weird Ones:

1. How did the Empire in Star Wars collect taxes from people?

D. Viddy (That's my, uh, nickname for Darth Vader. We go way back, you know.) uses the force to take cash out of peoples' pockets and purses.

2. Why are their two barrels on double barrel shotguns? Who needs two barrels? Would three be better still?

Two barrels are better than one because you can use the second barrel if the first barrel gets clogged or blocked. Three barrels is simply showing off and is frowned upon by the Cowboy Commission.

3. So why is the Earth round? What other shapes would be a good shape for the world?

The earth is round because it's actually a marble used in an intergalactic marble game. Didn't you watch Men In Black?

4. How much is that dog in the window?

The dog in the window is $75. The dog in the cardboard box marked "DANGER" is free, but our pet shop will not be held responsible for any injuries or deaths that may occur once you take the dog out of the box.

5. There are Renaissance Fairs where people reenact the renaissance. Do you think back then that they had Digital Age Fairs? If so, what would they entail?

Back then they must have had Caveman Fairs. Everyone wore a loincloth and went around grunting and trying to figure out what the hell that hot yellow thing was.

Here's the Wednesday Weird Ones, but on Thursday:

1. Do people learning to unicycle use training wheels? Why or why not?

Yes they do, because unicycling is pretty hard stuff.

2. If you were in charge of hiring DJs for a Spanish language radio station and you didn't speak Spanish, what would you look for in a prospective applicant?

The first thing I'd look for is R-rolling ability. You better roll your R's good at my station. Another thing to look for is how well one can yell out the word "GOAAAAAAALLLLLL!"

3. Which came first: hotdogs or hotdog rolls? How can you be sure?

I think hotdogs came first. That's because buns were probably invented when people kept burning their hands holding the meat.

4. How come cold foods like ice cream can cause headaches, but warm foods don't?

Well, if you're gonna eat something as sinfully good as ice cream, there has to be a price to pay.

5. How come people sometimes see an image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast or on a tortilla, but nobody ever seems to see her on a bagel?

Aren't bagels a popular food in Jewish delis? I think that would explain everything.

Next, some Wednesday Weird Ones:

1. Why do doctors need malpractice insurance, but politicians, professional bowlers, secretaries, and spanish teachers don't?

I think the politicians probably have something to do with it!

2. Why are there jumbo size boxes of moth balls? Who needs all those moth balls - or any for that matter?

Well, because people don't need that many moth balls, selling them in a jumbo size is the only way for moth ball manufacturers to make any profit.

3. Is Dick Clark an evil robot? Why or why not?

I think scientists actually figured out human cloning in the 1950s and managed to make a few hundred clones of Dick Clark. That's why he keeps doing New Year's Eve each year. I think all the clones are kept in a secret warehouse somewhere in Brooklyn.

4. What would happen if you recorded a dog whistle on a cassette player and then played the cassette at a dog pound?

The RIAA would sue you for making an unauthorized recording of a dog whistle.

5. Why exactly are objects in the mirror closer than they appear? And if they're not where they appear, where exactly are they?

The politicians are probably responsible for this one too!

And now, the Wednesday Weird Ones:

1. What did the first signs ever made say? Who put them up?

The ancient Romans put up giant round red signs saying "STOP" in Latin so that chariots would stop crashing into each other.

2. Where do you go when I shut my eyes?

I go on an all-expense paid trip to the Bahamas!

3. How come many cultures built giant stone pyramids, but none built giant stone spheres?

Because spheres are SOOOOO 4000 B.C.

4. How did you kids figure out that the ghost was actually just Old Man Withers in a costume?

We figured it out because one of our members does hallucinatory drugs and then thinks his dog talks to him and tells him the answer. Rut Roh!

5. What are some of the best sites to see in the land of broken dreams? What would help the land of broken dreams increase tourism?

I thought it was the Boulevard of Broken Dreams? I suppose Green Day was selling us short by just telling us about one little boulevard when there's actually a whole LAND of broken dreams to be discovered. So, uh, yeah, the BOULEVARD of broken dreams is the place to go in the land of broken dreams. Why? Because you never know if Green Day will show up. Tourism would pick up if Green Day would just come by more, those rich punk bastards.

I'm a day late with the Wednesday Weird Ones, but I'll do them now so I'll have something to post. I didn't really feel like doing them yesterday, for reasons that I'll probably post about at a later time.

1. Why don't vampires have reflections?

They're so damn sexy that they'd die again if they saw themselves in a mirror.

2. Why are tennis balls usually yellow?

Tennis balls have bladder control problems. They piss themselves when they're hit with a racket, so that's why they're yellow.

3. You've killed 6 people and the police are on to you. Where do you hide the bodies?

How did you find that out? Who sent you? Who are you working for?

4. How would life be different if everyone could shoot laser beams from their eyes?

Life would be perfect because if anyone did anything to annoy another person, they'd get laser-zapped immediately.

5. Why are puppies cute? If you set out to design a cute robot, how would you do so?

Puppies are cute so they can distract their owners when the puppy does something naughty. As for cute robots, I think a robot that goes around saying "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" would be insanely cute.

6. What ... is behind the curtain? Also would you like to keep what is in the box or trade it for what is behind door number 2?

Jimmy Hoffa is behind the curtain, but a "certain someone" won't let the curtain be opened. I'll bite and see what's behind door number 2. *door opens* Darn, I should have taken the box! Gary Busey's asscrack is behind door number 2!

Let's do some Wednesday Weird Ones:

1. Where is the valley of the shadow of death? Why would anyone choose to walk there? Where could they have been going that is so important as to require that shortcut?

I think the valley of the shadow of death is located somewhere in Detroit. You have to walk there cause otherwise you'll get carjacked. And I suppose people go there to get to Canada.

2. What steps should an out of work ventriloquist take to get a job?

Well, he better make sure his puppet doesn't say anything inappropriate in the job interview.

3. How do they make dry ice? How do they ensure the quality of the ice?

I think they send the ice to Arizona to dry it out. To ensure the quality, they employ a team of Ice Inspectors from International Falls, Minnesota to inspect every cube.

4. So how happy is a clam? How does it compare to other shellfish?

A clam is quite upset that he isn't a lobster. This is because the clam is eaten just like the lobster, but people pay a WHOLE lot more to eat the lobster! The clam thinks he's worth just as much as the lobster.

5. Why don't we have another thumb on the other side of our hand? What would be the advantages if we had one?

I don't why it's not there, but you know we SHOULD have a thumb on the other end of the hand. What good has the pinky ever done for us? NOTHING, that's what!

Here's my second Wednesday meme, the Wednesday Weird Ones:

1. Why do people wear leather shoes a lot but never ones made out of ham? Likewise, why are sweaters often made out of wool, but rarely make out of mutton.

Ham would soak up a lot of water and just get really soggy. As for mutton sweaters, I can imagine that would get pretty smelly after a while.

2. Why does mint taste so minty?

It tastes that way so that it will go well with chocolate!

3. What should I do with my life? What should I do with your life? How about the lives of random people?

We should all just live our lives. That's why it's called a life: you live it.

4. A banana, an apple, and an orange were driving in a car, who's driving? Why?

The banana is probably driving, because it's the only fruit in the car tall enough to see over the steering wheel. This is also because apples are just plain lazy, and oranges are legally blind.

5. Is the universe bigger or smaller than all that it has enfolded in it? Explain. What shape is the universe? What shape is the sum total of what it contains?

If I wanted to be in school I'd be in a classroom! I'm not answering this, too much brainwork!

Let's get weird!

1. Do you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution? Why? Which one pays better?

I want to be part of the solution, because people who come up with the solution can take all the credit and be a hero. It doesn't pay well, but it can help your love life.

2. How do they make the vulcanized rubber used in tires?

They take the hockey pucks that the players don't want anymore, and remake them into tires.

3. Why are headlights white and tail lights red? Why are the lights on both the the left and right side the same color? Why not green on the left and pink on the right?

Monkeys were given the task of designing auto lights. That should explain everything.

4. Why aren't drinking fountains shaped like lobster claws?

This is because the drinking fountain industry is entirely controlled by the sea bass. And we all know that lobsters are the sworn enemy of sea bass.

5. What's so dang good about the peacemakers? Why do no high schools use peacemakers as their mascot?

You know what? That's what U2 should have called themselves in the first place. The Peacemakers, coming to a stadium near you. High schools do not use that mascot because peace does not exist in high schools.

6. What would you think if you saw a person walking down the street repeating 'lobsters, vulcanized rubber,headlights, peacemakers' over and over to themself?

I'd probably say "Hey, are you the person that writes the Wednesday Weird Ones?"

Time to get weird:

1. How do trees flirt?

They whisper to each other in the breeze, and it takes until Autumn for them to blush (which is why leaves change color).

2. What do puppets eat? What do they dream about?

Puppets subsist on a diet of peaches and little blue fish. They don't dream, but they do experience a floating sensation while asleep.

3. People take their pets to kennels when they are going away on vacation. Why aren't there kennels for children as well?

If there were kennels for kids, they'd be fun places and kids wouldn't want to go back to their parents after the vacation is over. So that is why kid kennels don't exist.

4. What was the greatest use of anchovies in the last 100 year?

The use of anchovies as weapons against the Nazis by the Swiss Army in the Battle of Zupenflugernichten in 1943 was much talked about by military strategists in the years after World War II

5. Why would a cardinal repeatedly fly into the same glass door over and over day after day? What could be going through it's little bird brain?

Female cardinals are, somehow, naturally more attracted to brain-damaged male cardinals. Evolution has taught the male cardinals to repeatedly run into solid objects in order to attract a mate.

*Disclaimer: The above answers are meant to be taken satirically and sarcastically. None of them contain any truthful facts and are for entertainment purposes only.*

Anyone wanna get mind humped?

We definitely have cause to smile today. It's Hump Day and Power of a Smile Day. Let's engage in some happy humping, shall we?

01. Besides your blog, do you own anything with a smilie on it? If yes, what is it, where did you get it and does it get much use?

Hmm . . I don't think I have anything with a smilie on it. Does the Rolling Stones lips count? Cause I'm listening to Forty Licks right now and that's the cover image.

02. Since it's Power of a Smile Day ... if you were a super hero what special power would your smile have? How about your laugh or maybe even your frown?

My smile would have the power of making people choose peace and compassion instead of war, jealousy and hate. I'd broadcast it on every TV station in existence and hopefully that would start to make a difference. My laugh would have the power of making people actually laugh at my jokes. My frown would make people do anything to please me.

03. Using the letters of the word S-M-I-L-E, tell us some things that make you smile your best, happiest, most powerful smiles.

S - sexy women
M - music
I - iPod commercials
L - love
E - Ellen Degeneres

04. All day long, everywhere you go people are smiling at you. What the heck are they smiling at?

Hopefully they're smiling at my Jimi Hendrix t-shirt!

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There's only one Wednesday Weird One today, so here it is:

Why do cigarettes travel in packs?

They travel in packs so that they'll be able to defend themselves against those big bullies, the cigars. I think they're also in packs so that at least one of them will score a date with that slim Mexican hottie named Corona.

Ready to get weird?

Wednesday Weird Ones

1. So this is what a rhetorical question looks like? Is it also what a leading question looks like?

What's with all the questions? Do I look like I have all the answers? Why can't I seem to stop asking things in this response?

2. What would have happened to Jack if he didn't have the beanstalk?

He'd have to sell whatever other animals he had to get a handful of rice to go with those three beans.

3. Why are school buses are yellow (at least in my country)? What does yello have to do with school?

In 1924, the Yellow Association of America lobbied Congress to demand that all school buses be colored yellow. The Purple Union would have got there first had it not been for a fatal blue and red mixing accident involving the Union president and his right-hand man.

4. Do ground squirrels live in trees? How can you be sure?

Ground squirrels? I think they end up at Jack In The Box and get put into the tacos. (Attention Jack In The Box lawyers: the previous statement was a joke and not meant to be taken seriously!)

5. Why do pianos lose their tune? Why are piano tuners needed; would it really be so horrible if notes were slightly off?

Why go to all that trouble? Just use an electronic keyboard. They can sound pretty close to pianos if they're programmed right.

OK, here's the next meme. If the midweek music meme is posted, I'll do that one later too.

Wednesday Weird Ones

1. Why is the sky blue? Do you actually buy that story?

Maybe the sky is blue because God is a University of North Carolina fan? I think I might have to buy that story because Michael Jordan attended UNC and well, he's the greatest basketball player of all time. It was divine interference that lead him there, perhaps.

2. Why aren't many breakfast foods coffee flavored? For instance, why aren't there coffee bagels or coffee pancakes?

I think coffee tastes and smells like crap anyway, so I don't think coffee flavored foods would be any good. To answer the question, though, foods aren't coffee flavored because not too many people would want to drink coffee, and then eat foods that TASTE like coffee too. You gotta have a little variety in tastes or you'll get bored.

3. Why are rainbows arcs? Why aren't they straight or create cool shapes and words?

I think rainbows are arcs so that Dorothy can easily go somewhere over them. It wouldn't be as easy to get to Oz if there was a big complicated pattern to follow.

4. What light through yonder window breaks?

It's the light from the house across the street, because the neighbors are stoned again and forgot to turn off the lights when they went to bed.

5. Who goes there? Why?

Smart shoppers go there because they're having a two-for-one sale and free popcorn.

It's been an interesting afternoon. Earlier, I won 50 credits on Blog Explosion! That's by far the most credits I've won in one click. Hopefully a few of the 50 people visiting will stick around and read more after the move on to the next blog in the system. I also reorganized my CD wallets once again. For a while, I've just had them randomly organized in the two wallets I own, roughly put in order of popularity and genre. Today, though, I decided that it would be a much better idea to put them all in alphabetical order. So that's what I've done, and at least now I have some kind of a system. I've got 41 more spots to fill up until both wallets are completely full.

I'm sure you all were just DYING to read about my CD organization. Here's something a lot more interesting:

Wednesday Weird Ones

1. Besides candy what else would be good to put in a pinata?

I think if you put a lot of popular and expensive medications in a pinata, people would be lining up for miles to play.

2. If there was a product called Jellophane what would it do? What would be its pluses and minuses?

It would stick to surfaces so you could put things on them and not have them roll off and hit the floor. Its pluses would be that it's cheap and easy to use. Its minuses would be that it would sometimes be hard to get off, and cause pretty nasty brain cancer in 1 in 1.2 million people.

3. There is a saying that 'Hope springs eternal. What does charity spring?

Charity springs idiots hoping to get a free ride and beat the system.

4. What is the best thing to come from Asia. How about Europe? now what about North America, South America, Australia, and Africa.

Jackie Chan is the best thing to come from Asia. Sausage is the best thing to come from Europe. TV is the best thing to come from North America. Shakira is the best thing to come from South America. Crocodile Dundee is the best thing to come from Australia. And I could tell you the best thing to come from Africa, but this is a semi-family friendly blog so I won't.

5. Why do kids always seem to get scrapes on their knees, but not on their backs?

Kids get scrapes on their knees and not their backs because a scrape on the back leads to infertility. Evolution has allowed children to scrape their knees instead so that the human race will continue to survive.

Last but certainly not least are the Wednesday Weird Ones:

1. We all know that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but what is at the beginning of the rainbow?

A pot of old socks.

2. If you had a fan club, what sorts of activities would they have?

Eating pizza, listening to Hendrix, and watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?

3. Now that there is yellow ketchup, how long do you think it will be before there is red mustard? Is this what progress looks like? Why or why not?

I don't see the problem with red mustard as long as you use it in conjuction with the yellow ketchup. You've still got the same two colors, just reversed flavors. However, I don't think red mustard is a good idea. I think we should keep foods the same colors we expect them to be or else we'll be getting a big surprise if we eat one food and think it's going to be a completely different food.

4. When someone is described as "not looking a day over 50", how old do they look?

I suppose they look 49 years, 364 days old. I don't know how you'd tell the difference between that and 50.

5. Why aren't eels used to papier mache?

Cause that's what hedgehogs are for, silly!